The Friend Zone

Been there

It sucks

I loved her and all she had was

“Thanks”

I gave her the world

She gave me dirt

I gave her my heart

She smacked it

“That hurt”

She’s there

Still sucks

She loves me and all I can say is

“Thanks”

I know she tries to gimme the world

I look away and stare at the dirt

She hands me her heart and…

I’m hurt.

I’ve been on both sides

Neither is fun

And with your heart on your sleeve

The loneliest number…

Is no longer 1

Always Take Time…

I stop

And smell the roses

They are sweet after the rain, and I smile

I walk

And see the sunflowers

They look right at the sun without shades, and I laugh

I trip and fall on my face

And a tulip smacks me in the eye

I growl at it’s brazenness and then pluck it as revenge

I walk some more and turn around

I see the colors

I smell the aromas

I hear the breeze soughing through the flowers and I sigh…

Just before laying down in a field of Poppies to sleep like Dorothy.

Skeletons

I found him on the floor

Looked like a puddle of chocolate sauce

I turned my brother over and…

That’s not chocolate sauce

His shirt was all red

I could not tell

From where he had bled

All I knew was

“My brother is dead.”

Now some years later, I’m grown

I have family and kids of my own

But there are more than just shirts and ties in my closet…

Hanging on a hook, next to my lucky belt,

Is his skeleton

Since that day, I have had it

In my closet

In my car on the way to work

Even in the shower while I scrub myself down

His corpse rests in a cemetery hundreds of miles away with a very nice headstone.

And yet his skeleton is something I cannot be far enough away from

I did not kill him

But I knew who did

My brother’s dead body was the result of him finding our father touching our baby sister

My brother drew his prized switchblade and cut

Our father grabbed it…and thrust the blade to my brother’s gut

And now, because I saw it all and said nothing…

My brother’s skeleton in my closet serves as a gentle, daily reminder of my silence

R.I.P.

Peacemaker

Taking blade to throat
Taking pen to paper
Two "equal" methods of bringing about peace
I am now a killer
Peace is made by my hand
Not merely kept by my handwriting

Taking pen to paper
Taking blade to throat
Two "equal" methods of bringing about peace
I am now a diplomat
Peace is made by my penmanship
Not merely kept by my swordplay

Taking sword in one hand
Taking pen in the other
Now this is a sight to behold
A true dual-wielder of war
One hand to cut down thine enemies
One hand to write down a peace treaty.

Now I must cast one aside
A killer or a diplomat?
My records of each are equally great
My life has been lived by the blade and I always swore to die by it
My life has turned to the sharpest weapon being only my wit
I love death as I love my life
I love peace as I love death

I made the choice of diplomat
I'm damn fine at it
But my heart still aches to spill blood

I'm not a killer anymore...
Or am I?

Thank You Margret

On a train bound for nowhere

What’s your destination?

One-way or return?

To answer your questions:

Anywhere but here

Why would I return from nowhere,

Back to nothing?

One way to Chicago, please

With my dues now all paid and all my time served

What can you do with freedom,

When chains are all you’ve known?

I can board a Greyhound for Texas

To find a place

I might end up calling home

So I did

My Last Bedtime

The day is done

Time for bed

In the morning I wake

Not rested, but feeling…

Feeling only pure dread

I can’t stand waking,

Faking my will to be taking it again

Another day of aching

Waking and waiting

For the day my paining ends

With a friend like the sun,

Why need the moon as my enemy?

Rock me to sleep

I need the peace

My love, I’m begging you

Baby…please

Rock me to sleep

Take me in your arms

Lay me down to sleep

And promise you won’t be alarmed

When my heart ceases to beat

Shed no tears

That’s not allowed

Staining your face

That ground’s hallowed

With a friend like the sun,

Why need the moon as my enemy?

With a keeper like you,

Why need a priest to give my last rites?

Rock me to sleep

I need the peace

My love, I’m begging you

Baby…please

Rock me to sleep

[about 30 seconds or so of instrumental]

Be my savior

By being my end

Your lips…let me savor

Your breath…share once more that flavor

The end of my path is just ‘round the bend

Rock me to sleep

I need the peace

My love, I’m begging you

Baby…please

Rock me to sleep

A life without you is a fate worse than death

Eternity in Heaven is even more hellish

So wrap your arms around my neck

Death by your embrace…

The last thing in life I shall relish

With a friend like Death,

Why need Life as my enemy?

So I ask once more…

Rock me to sleep

I need the peace

My love, I’m begging you

Baby…please

Rock me to sleep

Rock me to sleep

I need the peace

My love, I’m begging you

Baby…please

Rock me to sleep

Open Up Wide

Can you feel it yet?

Give it time.

Open your heart to me.

And I’ll open up mine.

Bring down your walls.

Let your soul

Answer my call.

So you saw me last night…

I didn’t leave my bed.

You felt my touch…

But it was all in your head.

I love you so dearly,

And you love me too.

Let me inside,

And I’ll show you

What my heart can do.

It’s only one-way,

I can send, not receive.

But to those I feel for the most…

At first there’s fear, then relief.

So when you “see” me beside you

And feel my hand’s caress,

You might be light years away…

But my soul’s desire is no less.

If you need it put bluntly,

Lay-man’s terms, if you will…

I can lay it all down,

But this feeling…

To me, doesn’t exactly thrill:

When I feel strongly enough for someone and they feel the same, my heart and mind tend to “project” my emotions to that person and they’ll say they feel like I’m right there, and almost even see me.  In some case, they might even feel my touch; if that’s the action my “emotional projection” is taking.  I can’t control it in any way, and so far I’ve not gotten that feeling from anyone…only ever sent it out unintentionally, and without even knowing I’ve done it until I’m told about it.

Gone Mad

Your life contains:

24 hours in a day

7 days in a week

4 weeks in a month

12 months in a year

I could go on, but I'd get bored...

My life contains:

"1"

One hour

One day

One time

I could go on, but I'd never finish...

When your day ends and you climb into bed...

 My day has been going on for three of yours.

When night falls, and you lay down to rest...

My sun sits high at its zenith, never to set.

To live your life the way I live mine would grant you more time in a single "day" than you would know what to do with in one month.

This being said, it's safe to assume that I'm referring to a disease I have known as insomnia

I am on medication for it, and when taken...the pills work like a dream. (no pun intended)

But while me body receives its rest, and my muscles are allowed to remain...my brain is slowly frying.

I can't remember anything.

Ask me how many times I was been hospitalized during my senior year of high school.

A few months ago, I could give you an exact number and even tell you the order...and the dates I was in inpatient and/or outpatient.

Ask me today, and I'll have no answer other than "too many times"

Not for lack of wanting to tell you, but because I haven't the foggiest idea anymore.

ANYMORE!

That's what gets me. The fact that I'm being treated for my illness, yet the damage it has done to me already cannot ever be reversed.

Your life has:

Days, nights...time passes in an orderly fashion for you.

My life has:

Events...in a world without days or dates, one can only measure in minutes or hours.

The medical definition of Insomnia is that you have an inability to sleep and that it can cause physical and mental complications.

My definition of Insomnia is: A state of living in perpetual twilight where memories are simply dreams that actually happened...though no less vague and confusing in how fuzzy they'll always be.

Tomorrow

A new day

A fresh start

Never looking back, I can see the sunrise

And I feel that nothing could go wrong

Another night

An old ghost

Always walking backwards, I can see the sunset

And I feel that nothing could go right

Another day is calling

A new night is waiting

Always with my eyes closed, I can feel the sunshine

Always with my heart open, I'm will face down my demons

And I know that while shit may happen, everything will be alright

And so—just as the bird shall sing each morning to welcome the rising sun, her eggs safe and sound or stolen by the serpent while she slept, her thoughts of the past used as lessons and those of the future used as guides—so shall I awake tomorrow

"If you always keep one foot in the past, and the other in the future, you'll end up shitting all over today."—Max of Unit 5 West

Rematch

You see Me and ask:
"Hey...where the hell are You going?"
I scream for mercy.
I beg you to stop.
You just smack Me around some more and tell Me to "Shut the fuck up."
You say I disappoint You.
Right before You drag me back to the front lines you say:
"If You're going to run away, at least have the sac to get past Me."

So now I'm waiting.
Doing My job.
Manning the heavy artillery and praying I still have one more shell.
Running across the No-Man's-Land and praying this isn't the last time I see the sky.
I pray a lot.
But I'm not praying just to live longer.
No.
I pray that I live long enough to see You punch out and head home.

When You punch out, I'll sneak up.
I'll show You I have the sac to get past You.
When You punch out, I'll punch You out.

You've had me under your thumb too long.
So here is My rebellion.

I can see you getting ready to leave for the night.
And when you do, I'll try to run away again.
But I will make it this time.
I'm gonna bring 150% and beat the shit out of You the way You did me.

You just walked out.
Time for My rematch.
Just I against Me against Myself.
I see you and ask:
"Hey...where the hell are You going?"

(Commiting) Social Suicide*

Fuck it all

In over my head?

You bet

I’m losing the game

The game I made up the rules to

And have been playing for years (literally)

Now I’m down 3-1

One of me

Three of them

The Ginger (who’s more than likely psycho)

The Smart One (who’s a bit too young)

The Newbie (who’s clearly baby-crazy)

Will you marry me?

I’ll never fuck again. Only make love…to you.

…

I love you

I love you

I love you

I’ve become the record

That I’ve played until…

Until it broke

The hypodermic needle skipping on grooves that are my skin

Back to those words

I love you

And you,

And you,

And you,

And you,

Oh and you too. I love(d) you all

It’s possible…

Isn’t it?

I’ve beaten myself

At a game I created myself

And then cheated at

3-1

Good odds?

A bettin’ man might take ’em

I’m bettin’ my rock bottom dollar

That the survival rate will be 0.

Maybe it’s true:

“Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

To tell them each of the other two

Would ensure my social suicide

The three females whom I “love”

Would all be heartbroken

Heartshattered

A much more fitting way to put it:

An irreversible cleave through the almighty love-muscle.

Tell?

Don’t tell?

Commit my social suicide?

Or put off, for now, signing my own Death Warrant?

That’s all it is

Putting it off until later…

When they find out

(and they will)

*shudder*

Would it be “better”

To let it out and pray?

Cheaters never win

Winners (the real, true winners that is)

Never cheat

Dammit…

Freshman year to present da:

Rose—I cheated

Abby—I cheated

Lauren—I cheated

Alix—I cheated

Lauren (again)—I cheated

Alana—I’m still cheating

Lauren (yet again)—I’m still cheating

Paula—Been cheating since day 1

See that up there?

There are probably more

I’m more than certain I’ve cheated on every single one of them, too

Shit…

Looking back,

With the exception of Abby,

I’ve only cheated on girls that I’ve…

Oh hell, I’ll say it!!!

I love them

I still love them

All of them

I cheat on the ones I legitimately love

If you hurt worst those closest,

I must be a pro

What the fuck am I doing in the minor leagues?

Send my cheatin’ ass to the Olympics

I’m world class material

But why?

Why do I choose to hurt them?

What kind of sadistic fuck needs to hurt?

Hurt not one,

Not two,

But three sweet girls simultaneously?

Three lovely young women who love me so much?

Dude…

Screw quitting while I’m ahead

I’m already drowning in the red

I’ve heard of in over your head, but

This takes it to a whole other

Universe

I realized a while back that I’m no longer

No longer writing a poem

No…

This is bigger

Heavier by far than any poem ever put into ink

At least by me…

This is my confession.

Damn me Father, for I love sinning.

Written as a stream of conscience

In a poetic manner of line/stanza breaks

Oh well

I suppose old habits die hard

Like this method of word presentation

And my cheating

In all honesty, I’ve really got nothing else

Nothing new for this work

At this point I’m just rambling

Fucking Adderall…

Put the pen down…do it. Now! NOW!!!

*a rant fueled by Adderall

I'm sorry

I'd never ask you to leave.

I'd never force you to stay.

But you'd have me do just that.

Choose to either throw you aside, or keep you.

You've had your blows and I'm sorry I was one of them.

I've had mine too, and I'm sorry I caused them.

But I love you dearly, and want to change that.

I would love you until I die.

I would open doors, pull out chairs, and be there for you even when you tell me not to.

I'd talk to you about anything and everything.

I'd listen to anything and everything you would tell me.

Even if you tell me not to.

I'd never ask you to leave.

I'd never force you to stay.

But you'd have me do just that.

Choose to throw you aside, or to keep you.

I'm keeping you.

Forever, if you'd let me.

Longer if I could.

I will die loving you.

I would kill for you to love me.

If I could take back everything I said and did I would.

In a heartbeat, I'd make it all go away.

In the next, I'd replace it all with anything and everything you could ever want.

You've heard it all before because it's all been said before at some point.

There's no original way to say you love someone anymore.

So this is my attempt at some discourse.

If you love me, I love you.

If you don't love me, I love you.

If you hate me, I love you.

If you leave me, I love you.

If you come to me, I love you.

If you kill me...

I'll love you forever.

Speaking in Tongues

You tell me what you want to hear.

I listen.

You tell me to say it.

I cannot obey.

How am I supposed to say anything, let alone the right things, when just the mere thought of you leaves me speechless and out of breath?

You ask if I’m alright.

I say yes, but nothing more.

My breathing is shaky, yet I claim there’s nothing wrong.

Because there is nothing wrong with the butterflies that take wing in my stomach and the shivers that fly up and down my spine when we touch.

I touch your face.

We kiss.

Out lips meet, and our mouths are one as our tongues caress, and all of a sudden it makes perfect sense to me.

I love, and am in love, with you.

Every time we kiss I pray that my lips against yours can speak, in those few seconds, the volumes of love that my heart beats through my body for you.

Every time our tongues connect I pray that, in that brief time, all I need to do to prove myself to you is to keep…